20644

 "May the LORD bless you and keep you, may the LORD show you his kindness, may he have mercy on you, may the LORD watch over you and give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)

Zay was not a planned baby, for his father and I. We were receiving revelation from God that we were going to have a baby soon, but we didn't sit down and say when we wanted it to happen. He was born on Friday, November 25, 2016, after 12 hours of labor. 

Even during pregnancy my way of thinking changed, and I began to see life differently. Still, I was not prepared when Zay arrived...emotionally or communicably. I remember sitting on our couch, a few days after giving birth, and weeping at the idea of bringing someone so precious into such a corrupt and ugly world, at times. I was overcome with dread as I considered one evil scenario after the other happening to him, and feeling defenseless to protect him from it all. 

A few months after Zay was born, I layed him in his crib. He wasn't a fan of his crib in the beginning. He was sleep, but I didn't know if he would stay asleep once I put him into his crib. I was passed being tired...I was exhausted, but I was still holding on to the idea of "keeping watch" over him. As I stubbornly tried to stay awake, God reminded me, "who is keeping watching over you and Zay?" I knew then that I needed to entrust my sleeping child into God's care.

The hardest part of having a child wasn't the late night feedings or the sporadic sleeping schedule, it was learning how to communicate and trust God with his care, especially when his dad and I were not present. The most hurtful part of having a child has been expressing my feelings and being rejected and attacked because they didn't line up with the beliefs and/or opinions of others. 

Every parent has a right to express his/her beliefs about raising his/her child. To shame a parent because you don't agree with his/her parenting style is wrong. Even when you don't agree, you can at least listen. I had to learn to listen, but also accept that just because I shared a different belief from what I heard, I was not a "bad" person.

Jasmine, pre-Zay, didn't speak up well for herself. I took whatever mostly because of my fear to speak up. I didn't care enough about myself to be honest or confront problems. I ran from problems. Suppressed my hurts and pains because I didn't want to be rejected. When God blessed us with Zay, I knew that if I didn't speak up when it came to his well being, I was still going to be held accountable. God was not going to give me a pass for being passive when it came to co-parenting. 

Fast forward to today, I can see how becoming a parent has changed me for the better. Zay is not my everything. God is. I am grateful that I don't see his existence as my sense of being. My sense of purpose. That little crumb-snatcha has his own purpose. That doesn't mean he doesn't motivate me...having him has helped me to find my voice.
I am also very grateful that his father and I are married, and that he gets an unlimited supply of love from the both of us, in a shared setting.

What continues to help me to trust God when it comes to Zay is prayer. I pray what I have come to  dub as "the Hannah prayer." Hannah was barren and wanted so desperately to bear her husband a child. She prayed that should God bless her with a child she would offer him back. When God blesses her with Samuel, she eventually "gives" him to the priest, Eli, so he can begin to carry out his service to God. (Read 1 Samuel 1)

Imagine praying for something so passionately, receiving it, and then giving it away...that's ultimately what Hannah did. Her story humbles me. It inspires me. Every day, Zay is not in the care of Hosea and I, I pray a prayer of blessing over him. It starts like this, "May the LORD bless you and keep you, may the LORD show you his kindness, may he have mercy on you, may the LORD watch over you and give you peace." (This is a blessing that Moses spoke over the Israelites.) Jesus will always protect you, Hosea. God, I ask you to cover his eyes and ears from things that he should not see or hear. I close saying, as Hannah gave Samuel back to you...so I give Zay back to you..."

20,664...that's the number of hours Zay has been on this earth. I cannot give the exact number, but I can say that many of the minutes leading up to those hours have been saturated in prayer from my husband and I praying for him collectively, and individually. I spent 12 hours in labor with Zay, but what's more important are the hours I've spent praying for him since then.

If you're a parent and you want to know how to live your best life...you should first start by praying for your children. Parents, how can we live our best lives, if we're not actively praying for the lives of our children, and their children? After all, who they grow up to be is a large reflection on how we've shaped them...

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! I pray that my transparency encourages you and leads you closer to Christ. Everybody has a story. And everyone should be able to share that story unashamed--without fear. It is most hoped that you can share parts of your story in the same way. In Jesus Name, Amen. 

Peace & Blessings,
Jasmine

Now We Are Free

This is the story of a girl who lost her voice and wrote herself a new one." ~Laurie Halse Anderson

When the movie Precious debuted several years ago, I made no efforts to see it. Based on some of my own childhood trauma, I didn't know how I would respond to the trauma depicted in the movie. In many respects, I feel the same way about the movie today which might cause some to ponder why I decided to read the book, Push? The books always provide a lot more details than the movies that are later made about them.

I was inspired to implement a revamped Teen Book Club at my library because the old ones weren't working. READ WOKE is a book club that was inspired by a School Librarian in Georgia for High School students. Her students are black and brown and wanted to read about their experiences. They wanted to see themselves represented in literature. The books she selects for them are written by authors who are people of color and reflect characters who are confronting social injustices.

So far, we've held two book clubs for the READ WOKE series and it's a draw for teens at my library. I am amazed at their transparency and willingness to learn/discuss everything from sex trafficking to alcoholism. The last book, Push by Sapphire is how I have come to learn about the character of Precious Jones. 

Sapphire is a bold writer. My co-worker asked me what I thought about the book when I was in the earlier stages of reading it, and I told her it was disgusting. (I no longer feel this way. It's a very empowering read.) It was disgusting to read the graphic detail the main character used to describe being raped by her father, and inappropriately touched by her mother. It was disgusting that she was pregnant by her father for the second time, and she couldn't read or write. It brought me great pain to read this book in the beginning. I grieved for the character of Precious because I knew she was more than a character...I knew somebody else had her story or could relate to it.

I think the hardest truth to confront from reading Push came from Precious trying to make sense of how her body responded to her father's perversion. In other words, it confused her that something so wrong as her father raping her, could later result in her experiencing pleasure. In experiencing an orgasm.

And it was then when I could relate to Precious' confusion all too well...

As a child I was exposed to fondling and inappropriate touching very early. What was being done to me, I began to act out with other children or family members my age. I was molested by my female baby-sitter for months. I looked up to her, and I wanted her to like me so I agreed to try things with her.

My early experiences that brought about the pleasures of sex, peaked during my twenties. I didn't know who I was, and I thought sex was the only way to show love. It was my love language. Being molested and exposed to the pleasures of sex so early, all but destroyed me. I was angry at God for allowing my molestation to happen so I rebelled against Him and became very promiscuous. 

Tired of all the heartbreak, I decided to give God my heart...eventually. Decided I would be celibate. Celibacy was life changing for me. Life took on a whole new meaning. God and I were getting so much closer, and I knew that sex didn't have to be my only love language. There were very challenging times with choosing to be celibate, however, because of my past exposure to sex. 

Some women are tomboys. This doesn't mean they're queer. It just means they're tomboys. I knew a woman who was like this. I also knew she had a reputation for messing around with women. Still, I never got the impression she was flirting with me, I can be dense, but I really felt she was my friend and wasn't pursuing me.

We were supposed to "hang out," and things always fell through. I remember during those times I was feeling very lustful. And I remember praying to God to help me because sexually I was feeling very vulnerable, and very tempted. It was then that I realized lust knows no gender, and that given my experience, lust and temptation were not only limited to men for me...thankfully though, this woman and I never went out.

I cannot change what happened to me. I cannot change my story. I can be unashamed to share it, however, that it might draw all men unto Him. The beauty of reading Push came from accepting how God has made our bodies. #nocondemnation

Psalm 139:13-15 (NIV) says: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. #truth

There is no shame in that! God made my body to enjoy the pleasures of marital sex. There is no shame in that, but Satan brought about confusion when I was molested. I will not be ashamed to tell my story. My story is my ministry...and like Precious used her pain to become bold, so will I. #freedom

Sex in the context of marriage is beautiful. Perversion is evil. For those of us who have experienced pleasure within the context of perversion, our bodies were only responding the way God designed them to respond. There should be no confusion in that--we cannot change what happened to us, but we can better come to understand it, and be free. #nowwearefree

Overlooked

Preface- It's been a minute...but sometimes you gotta step back and just let stuff roll. The last few weeks I have discovered that God was more interested in me being available to receive His revelation. And believe it or not, I rolled with it. More on this later.

One word: LENT! What a Lent. This year my husband and I decided we would each give up meat for Lent. At first we were going to do the Daniel fast (think healthy stuff: fruits, veggies, and etc.) but after some research my husband decided we should just give up meat, and I rolled with it! Well...I tried to roll with it, but my mind was like, "no meat?" So yes, friends, I did have meat twice...about two meatballs, and bacon bits on a salad, but to my defense I did tell the kitchen staff, "no meat on the salad," and they still put them on there, so by that point--THERE WAS NO GOING BACK! I straight smashed those bacon bits. #unashamed

The beautiful thing about Hosea and I doing this together is that it marked the first time either of us had given up the same thing. That's a big deal. To have been or to have tried to be in unison with him during Lent speaks to God's ability to grow our marriage. We enjoyed trying vegan food, and discovering new things to eat that were just as good, or not so much. Still, we did it! And we did it together. #hoperestored

I am very goal oriented. I love to check boxes. I love a sense of completion. Going into Lent this year though, I was more focused on being in unity with Hosea, as we pledged to not eat meat and complete a church study. Those were my end goals, which was something new for me but I am learning that I don't want to be married, and not growing with my husband. Truth be told, if I am growing, but my marriage is not...then I'm not really growing anyway. It's good to grow with your spouse...#forbetterorworse

And in exchange for my sincere desire to be in unity with Hosea during Lent, God gave me favor and truth that I couldn't have seen coming...the one that has been most impactful occurred on Sunday, April 14. 

Hosea and I were attending church service only it was something a bit different from our normal service. As opposed to preaching, Pastor Doug allowed the stories people wrote to him about their experience/completion of our church study to be read aloud.

There was a story shared about rejection. How a father's rejection impacted his daughter's self-worth. My insides perked up...and suddenly her story became my story. Let me say this, I have made peace with what my father did or didn't do concerning my upbringing. I have forgiven him for whatever I believe he did or didn't do. Through it all, I do believe he did his best, or at least the best he knew to do for me.

What I failed to do up until that point was recognize how my father's emotional rejection over the years helped to create such a strong fear of rejection within me, that it was all but choking me. Years ago, I encountered a very painful rejection as a teenager that I carried with me well into adulthood. 

This person at the time, and in his arrogance, overlooked me, and it took me over twenty years to realize that in my pain...in my unwillingness to forgive him; I would make a decision that would forever change the trajectory of my life. A decision that involved me making a choice that was more my will, than it was ever God's will...

And so for over twenty years, I've seen this grown man as the boy who hurt me...and it wasn't until last Sunday that I realized I was still carrying around this hurt...

Last Sunday, God gave me an invitation to confess these truths: 

1. I hate being rejected.

2. In my hurt feelings, I sinned against Him.

But here's the thing...people will overlook me. They will reject me. That's life. To become a shell of a person for fear of being overlooked or rejected is no longer an excuse.

Since then, I have forgiven this person, but what's more is that I have forgiven myself for being so prideful and stubborn. How unfair was it of me to not think he was capable of changing. What a wretch I am!

It never ceases to amaze me that when I think how much I have it together, God in his abundant grace and mercy comes along to gently reveal unto me the truth about myself. How could I not serve a God like that?

Jesus Christ was overlooked and rejected by the world, yet he stayed obedient. His legacy gives me hope. Hope to stay the course even when the person I'm scared to face is me...me and all my mess. Do you know that even in my disobedience how much God has blessed me? How much favor I have received in spite of my sins? 

His love is indescribable. His mercy is undeniable.

"Just Being"

An epiphany.

Something has just occurred to me...I don't ever want to not serve as a librarian. My commitment to collection development, leading storytimes, and overall love of books are a passion. While I hope to continue to write and produce plays, I am hoping that some part of my life is somehow always involved within the public library or community outreach.

If my passion for libraries means that I don't get to be a filmmaker, I accept that. Professionally, I love where I am. I enjoy helping people. I cannot say the same thing if I were to become a filmmaker. Even with the adage of "better late than never," I am still getting older, and as Hosea and I give thoughts to expanding our family, I cannot imagine learning a new trade...or developing a "new" passion as I grow older.

There is still so much to learn about the public library. It's still very new to me...I would be saddened to leave it all behind to start something new, but if God said go, I reckon I would...still a career without books and storytimes doesn't seem fair.

Guess it's all a part of His plan.

                ------------------------------------------------------

I was sitting at work when what I wrote above, came to me. Here's the truth about me. I am very driven. If I like something. I really like it. I have always struggled with not losing my identity for the sake of my career, meaning that God on more than one occasion has needed to remind me that my being is more important than any job title.

I love to check boxes. I love a sense of accomplishment, but sometimes God is pleased when I do nothing but rest and trust in Him. When I can stop trying to make things happen, and just own that I have no control over anything I know it's pleasing to God because that's not often my nature.

When Hosea and I got married, I told myself very early on that I didn't want to get lost in "just being" a wife. When I became a mother to Zay, I told myself that I didn't want to get lost in "just being" a mom. Now as I wife and a mother, I just want to be lost in God...I want to be so lost in Jesus that I lose myself to find who He wants me to become. 

I thought I knew who I was supposed to be, but as I focus deeper on my family and the response that's required of me to be "all in" with them, I am abandoning the notion that I need to be in control of my future. That I need to know what I'll be doing, and how I need to go about getting there. 

I have always struggled to understand the word humility. Today in church, I listened to my Pastor explain it and I began to journal what I felt I was coming to understand about the word. I think its meaning will stick with me after today...

Humility, according to Pastor Doug, is just a right understanding of who you are. Yes I have gifts, but God gave them to me. My gifts don't overshadow God as the Gift Giver. Humility is recognizing God's willingness to give me my gifts in the first place. 

God, you have given me so much, but a part from you I can do nothing. 

Last weekend I took myself to the movies. The main character in the movie I saw was struggling with winning. Her need for success was robbing her of an opportunity to form healthy relationships.

Realizing this led her to later admit, "Winning means nothing if you're a terrible person." Likewise, my gifts be they writing or serving in the library mean nothing if I am not using them for God's glory, or in His timing.

Passion.

"God, it's not fair if I cannot spiritually advance if the people connected to me have stopped pursuing you, but if I lose out on promotions and rewards largely because of your needing to use me to help others get closer to you, I choose to accept that..."

I stated the above prayer before getting out of bed this morning. Bitterness found its way into my heart this past weekend, and I allowed myself to explore deeply why. Why was I feeling bitter? I knew this morning that despite my hurt, God was wanting me to once again entrust it to Him. I thought my post for today would largely deal with bitterness, but as I arrived at church and listened I soon realized God had other plans.

It was simple. I arrived at church and I wanted to enter through the side entrance, but God prompted me to enter through the front entrance. I was hesitant because I know that there tend to be more people at the front entrance, which meant I couldn't easily sneak pass without going by unnoticed. Still, I obeyed and went through the front entrance. There were many faces I passed, as expected but it was looking good. I stopped and spoke, but I was steadily making my way to the sanctuary until my feet came to a complete stop.

One of my sisters from a past Christian study called, Journey, was working a booth and I haven't seen her in awhile. Journey was an intense study that my church offered, and in that study I along with several other women shared our life's narratives. There is never a time when I don't stop to speak with one of my sisters from that study. No matter how brief it is, we stop and greet each other warmly. We held each other in a tight embrace, neither of us wanting to let the other go.

When we did finally break a part, I was met with her intense and beautiful eyes asking me, how was I? To which I responded, I am well (lie. more on this later). We were still holding on to one another and her eyes appeared to see right through me. I asked her how she was, and she smiled and chuckled before retorting "life is shitty, but I am so glad I've got God." I squeezed her hand, because although I didn't say that I felt the same way. As we squeezed hands, I agreed that I would be lost without Him. 

Later on, I would kick myself for not being honest with my sister in that moment. She had actually taken the time to ask about my well-being, and mean it. So many times, people ask me how I am and they don't mean it. They don't want to take the time to listen to my honest feelings. Even though, my initial response was a lie, I am glad to have a moment to recognize that someone else is facing some challenges as well. I am not alone.

Pastor Doug opened his sermon with the story of the Passion of Christ. The word passion has always been one of wonder for me. I never quite understood the meaning of it until today. Pastor Doug described passion not in the sense of how we have come to associate it, with romance, sex, or desire. He defined it along the lines of Jesus' willingness to suffer for us. That Jesus in His passion for man would allow himself to be crucified. 

In that moment, I knew that would be the focus of my post today. Do you remember my prayer at the beginning? That prayer came in my response to revelation I received from God this past weekend. God revealed to me that some of the reason why I have not been given access to serve in certain capacities, has been strongly influenced by the lack of spiritual maturity of those closes to me. You may be saying to yourself, I should get some new friends or change my circle. God is saying otherwise, however.

Yes, God wants me to run my race, but He also wants me to be mindful of the races being run around me. I cannot run someone else's race. I cannot force a man who wants to quit to keep running, but what I can do is encourage him. I can pray for him. I can fast for him; not that he does what I want him to do, but that he would seek first the kingdom...and if that man should fall, and fall, and fall, then I should be willing to help him up. To lend a hand, even when he thinks it's not my hand he needs. 

Essentially, what God needs from me is my willingness to be content with the possibility of never inheriting the blessings or rewards on earth, that I am faithful of receiving, if those closes to me are spiritually immature. 

By faith, I may be deserving of much but if I never receive it on this earth, then that's my lot. I can think of a host of saints, Abraham, Sarah, Rahab, Noah, and Moses to name a few, who by faith were deserving of much, but their rewards were not always earthly.

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.  Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." (Hebrews 11:13-16)

God, by faith, help me to live a life of passion, a life of suffering so that those closes to me may be closer to you.

#humbleconfidence

Have you ever met someone who had "IT?" You can't quite describe it but they've got "IT?" 

I continue to be amazed at the ways God brings about revelation to me. A professional friend of mine is the founder of an organization that specializes in workshops centering around suicide prevention for teens. Come May, she'll be presenting one of these workshops at the library. My colleagues and I sat down and met with her, and I could tell they were each very impressed by her.

Earlier last week, they both spoke to her confidence. It was her confidence that stood out to them. She has the "IT" Factor. Kiesha's got confidence! And it was in that very moment, that I realized how much I tend to lack confidence, especially artistically. I was proud of myself because normally when God imparts self-revelation to me, I have a tendency of putting myself down, but I am learning how to extend grace to myself.

Throughout my life, my confidence has been an uphill battle that first began with my appearance. Never feeling pretty enough, most of my poor decision making in my twenties stemmed from low self-esteem. Overtime I gave this over to God, and my inner beauty blossomed in such a way, that my outer beauty had no choice but to catch up!

There was a time I associated beauty with hair length, perfect teeth, pedicured feet, clothes, and curves. Now, there is no definition for my beauty. From my Christian faith to my calloused feet, I'm dope; my inner self, and my peculiarities all suggest this...#blackgirlmagic

In fact, it was during my head wrapping stage that I met my husband. During that season, I committed to not wearing weaves or wigs. My hair was short, and when I didn't have the money to get it styled, I resorted to wearing head wraps. And they were beautiful...sometimes I would even clip a flower to them, which became a signature for me.

My outer appearance is no longer a struggle for me. I have my days when I don't feel as on, but that's life, and not so much from a lack of confidence. Then what is it? Where are you lacking confidence, Jasmine? The answer...is in my talents...in writing for the performing arts, and the way I struggle to communicate.

I struggle with stepping into new territories knowing that I have the talent to be there. My passion for the performing arts is not a fad, and only those closes to me know how much it means to me to one day make a livelihood from a career solely based in the arts. 

When things don't work out quite the way I want and those I hope will support my talents reject them, I get discouraged. I begin to question if my talent is enough--can I do this or that because so and so isn't supporting me. Will my next idea, be rejected as well, I wonder. All of this leads to me doubting myself.

Today I was reminded of James 1:6-8 which says, "But when you ask, you must believe, and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."

God gave me my talents to represent His glory, not the world's. I pray to stay focus and trust that when things don't work out the way I expected, God is still for me. He is for my writing. He is for my ministry in the arts. God is for me. He is for all of me. Of these truths...I can be confident.

Note to self: God is waiting on me to come into the truth of who He says I am. God made me with confidence. It's in my DNA. It's in my salvation. A part from him I can do nothing, but with Him...I can do anything. #humbleconfidence here I come...

Rejection and the Unforgiveness that Follows

Rejection sucks, but it is very much a part of life. There is no escaping it. In fact, I find that as I mature in my Christian faith, I am faced with even greater rejection, and the challenges to forgive as a result are harder.

I am the kind of person that when faced with rejection, I tend to pull away. I shut down and offer the silent treatment to those around me. I don't want to risk getting hurt again, but this is wrong. God is not pleased when I respond this way. God desires for me to still move towards people. Regardless if they acknowledge what they have done or not. 

There are times when I honestly believe I have forgiven people who have hurt me, and then I see them and I feel the bitterness forming in my heart all over again...enough to know I am still struggling to forgive. 

It happened this week...I was telling myself, "I've moved passed that situation, and I've forgiven the people involved." But then I saw the person, and I immediately became annoyed, and filled with resentment. Out of nowhere, I chose to bring up my old offense, and before I knew it I was on this rant about what the person, and others had done to me.

Here's what I know, forgiveness is oftentimes not a one time deal. It's a process, at least for me. So God, for every time I have been ignored, rejected, and overlooked I forgive. I forgive those who choose to ignore me rather than help me. I choose to serve you with joy, and to use my gifts to glorify you.

I know that pain is temporary God. My time on this earth is temporary. Teach me to trust you with all that I have in me. My pain has a purpose. I trust you. I entrust my pain to you...even when it feels that salt is being added to my wounds that have yet to fully heal, I have the right to cry out, and to ask Jesus to strengthen my capacity to forgive. To keep moving forward.

I know a man...some 2,000 years ago who was rejected. A man who didn't come here to be served, but to serve. He was rejected and looked down upon. Yet, he stayed focused. Jesus knew his purpose for being sent here. It wasn't to please man, but to please you, God.

Yes, people can be thoughtless, insensitive, and offensive, but so can I. And yet, you love me. Help me to love, and to forgive as you have loved and forgiven me, at my worse.

In Jesus Name, Amen.