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 "May the LORD bless you and keep you, may the LORD show you his kindness, may he have mercy on you, may the LORD watch over you and give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)

Zay was not a planned baby, for his father and I. We were receiving revelation from God that we were going to have a baby soon, but we didn't sit down and say when we wanted it to happen. He was born on Friday, November 25, 2016, after 12 hours of labor. 

Even during pregnancy my way of thinking changed, and I began to see life differently. Still, I was not prepared when Zay arrived...emotionally or communicably. I remember sitting on our couch, a few days after giving birth, and weeping at the idea of bringing someone so precious into such a corrupt and ugly world, at times. I was overcome with dread as I considered one evil scenario after the other happening to him, and feeling defenseless to protect him from it all. 

A few months after Zay was born, I layed him in his crib. He wasn't a fan of his crib in the beginning. He was sleep, but I didn't know if he would stay asleep once I put him into his crib. I was passed being tired...I was exhausted, but I was still holding on to the idea of "keeping watch" over him. As I stubbornly tried to stay awake, God reminded me, "who is keeping watching over you and Zay?" I knew then that I needed to entrust my sleeping child into God's care.

The hardest part of having a child wasn't the late night feedings or the sporadic sleeping schedule, it was learning how to communicate and trust God with his care, especially when his dad and I were not present. The most hurtful part of having a child has been expressing my feelings and being rejected and attacked because they didn't line up with the beliefs and/or opinions of others. 

Every parent has a right to express his/her beliefs about raising his/her child. To shame a parent because you don't agree with his/her parenting style is wrong. Even when you don't agree, you can at least listen. I had to learn to listen, but also accept that just because I shared a different belief from what I heard, I was not a "bad" person.

Jasmine, pre-Zay, didn't speak up well for herself. I took whatever mostly because of my fear to speak up. I didn't care enough about myself to be honest or confront problems. I ran from problems. Suppressed my hurts and pains because I didn't want to be rejected. When God blessed us with Zay, I knew that if I didn't speak up when it came to his well being, I was still going to be held accountable. God was not going to give me a pass for being passive when it came to co-parenting. 

Fast forward to today, I can see how becoming a parent has changed me for the better. Zay is not my everything. God is. I am grateful that I don't see his existence as my sense of being. My sense of purpose. That little crumb-snatcha has his own purpose. That doesn't mean he doesn't motivate me...having him has helped me to find my voice.
I am also very grateful that his father and I are married, and that he gets an unlimited supply of love from the both of us, in a shared setting.

What continues to help me to trust God when it comes to Zay is prayer. I pray what I have come to  dub as "the Hannah prayer." Hannah was barren and wanted so desperately to bear her husband a child. She prayed that should God bless her with a child she would offer him back. When God blesses her with Samuel, she eventually "gives" him to the priest, Eli, so he can begin to carry out his service to God. (Read 1 Samuel 1)

Imagine praying for something so passionately, receiving it, and then giving it away...that's ultimately what Hannah did. Her story humbles me. It inspires me. Every day, Zay is not in the care of Hosea and I, I pray a prayer of blessing over him. It starts like this, "May the LORD bless you and keep you, may the LORD show you his kindness, may he have mercy on you, may the LORD watch over you and give you peace." (This is a blessing that Moses spoke over the Israelites.) Jesus will always protect you, Hosea. God, I ask you to cover his eyes and ears from things that he should not see or hear. I close saying, as Hannah gave Samuel back to you...so I give Zay back to you..."

20,664...that's the number of hours Zay has been on this earth. I cannot give the exact number, but I can say that many of the minutes leading up to those hours have been saturated in prayer from my husband and I praying for him collectively, and individually. I spent 12 hours in labor with Zay, but what's more important are the hours I've spent praying for him since then.

If you're a parent and you want to know how to live your best life...you should first start by praying for your children. Parents, how can we live our best lives, if we're not actively praying for the lives of our children, and their children? After all, who they grow up to be is a large reflection on how we've shaped them...

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! I pray that my transparency encourages you and leads you closer to Christ. Everybody has a story. And everyone should be able to share that story unashamed--without fear. It is most hoped that you can share parts of your story in the same way. In Jesus Name, Amen. 

Peace & Blessings,
Jasmine