Overlooked

Preface- It's been a minute...but sometimes you gotta step back and just let stuff roll. The last few weeks I have discovered that God was more interested in me being available to receive His revelation. And believe it or not, I rolled with it. More on this later.

One word: LENT! What a Lent. This year my husband and I decided we would each give up meat for Lent. At first we were going to do the Daniel fast (think healthy stuff: fruits, veggies, and etc.) but after some research my husband decided we should just give up meat, and I rolled with it! Well...I tried to roll with it, but my mind was like, "no meat?" So yes, friends, I did have meat twice...about two meatballs, and bacon bits on a salad, but to my defense I did tell the kitchen staff, "no meat on the salad," and they still put them on there, so by that point--THERE WAS NO GOING BACK! I straight smashed those bacon bits. #unashamed

The beautiful thing about Hosea and I doing this together is that it marked the first time either of us had given up the same thing. That's a big deal. To have been or to have tried to be in unison with him during Lent speaks to God's ability to grow our marriage. We enjoyed trying vegan food, and discovering new things to eat that were just as good, or not so much. Still, we did it! And we did it together. #hoperestored

I am very goal oriented. I love to check boxes. I love a sense of completion. Going into Lent this year though, I was more focused on being in unity with Hosea, as we pledged to not eat meat and complete a church study. Those were my end goals, which was something new for me but I am learning that I don't want to be married, and not growing with my husband. Truth be told, if I am growing, but my marriage is not...then I'm not really growing anyway. It's good to grow with your spouse...#forbetterorworse

And in exchange for my sincere desire to be in unity with Hosea during Lent, God gave me favor and truth that I couldn't have seen coming...the one that has been most impactful occurred on Sunday, April 14. 

Hosea and I were attending church service only it was something a bit different from our normal service. As opposed to preaching, Pastor Doug allowed the stories people wrote to him about their experience/completion of our church study to be read aloud.

There was a story shared about rejection. How a father's rejection impacted his daughter's self-worth. My insides perked up...and suddenly her story became my story. Let me say this, I have made peace with what my father did or didn't do concerning my upbringing. I have forgiven him for whatever I believe he did or didn't do. Through it all, I do believe he did his best, or at least the best he knew to do for me.

What I failed to do up until that point was recognize how my father's emotional rejection over the years helped to create such a strong fear of rejection within me, that it was all but choking me. Years ago, I encountered a very painful rejection as a teenager that I carried with me well into adulthood. 

This person at the time, and in his arrogance, overlooked me, and it took me over twenty years to realize that in my pain...in my unwillingness to forgive him; I would make a decision that would forever change the trajectory of my life. A decision that involved me making a choice that was more my will, than it was ever God's will...

And so for over twenty years, I've seen this grown man as the boy who hurt me...and it wasn't until last Sunday that I realized I was still carrying around this hurt...

Last Sunday, God gave me an invitation to confess these truths: 

1. I hate being rejected.

2. In my hurt feelings, I sinned against Him.

But here's the thing...people will overlook me. They will reject me. That's life. To become a shell of a person for fear of being overlooked or rejected is no longer an excuse.

Since then, I have forgiven this person, but what's more is that I have forgiven myself for being so prideful and stubborn. How unfair was it of me to not think he was capable of changing. What a wretch I am!

It never ceases to amaze me that when I think how much I have it together, God in his abundant grace and mercy comes along to gently reveal unto me the truth about myself. How could I not serve a God like that?

Jesus Christ was overlooked and rejected by the world, yet he stayed obedient. His legacy gives me hope. Hope to stay the course even when the person I'm scared to face is me...me and all my mess. Do you know that even in my disobedience how much God has blessed me? How much favor I have received in spite of my sins? 

His love is indescribable. His mercy is undeniable.