Now We Are Free

This is the story of a girl who lost her voice and wrote herself a new one." ~Laurie Halse Anderson

When the movie Precious debuted several years ago, I made no efforts to see it. Based on some of my own childhood trauma, I didn't know how I would respond to the trauma depicted in the movie. In many respects, I feel the same way about the movie today which might cause some to ponder why I decided to read the book, Push? The books always provide a lot more details than the movies that are later made about them.

I was inspired to implement a revamped Teen Book Club at my library because the old ones weren't working. READ WOKE is a book club that was inspired by a School Librarian in Georgia for High School students. Her students are black and brown and wanted to read about their experiences. They wanted to see themselves represented in literature. The books she selects for them are written by authors who are people of color and reflect characters who are confronting social injustices.

So far, we've held two book clubs for the READ WOKE series and it's a draw for teens at my library. I am amazed at their transparency and willingness to learn/discuss everything from sex trafficking to alcoholism. The last book, Push by Sapphire is how I have come to learn about the character of Precious Jones. 

Sapphire is a bold writer. My co-worker asked me what I thought about the book when I was in the earlier stages of reading it, and I told her it was disgusting. (I no longer feel this way. It's a very empowering read.) It was disgusting to read the graphic detail the main character used to describe being raped by her father, and inappropriately touched by her mother. It was disgusting that she was pregnant by her father for the second time, and she couldn't read or write. It brought me great pain to read this book in the beginning. I grieved for the character of Precious because I knew she was more than a character...I knew somebody else had her story or could relate to it.

I think the hardest truth to confront from reading Push came from Precious trying to make sense of how her body responded to her father's perversion. In other words, it confused her that something so wrong as her father raping her, could later result in her experiencing pleasure. In experiencing an orgasm.

And it was then when I could relate to Precious' confusion all too well...

As a child I was exposed to fondling and inappropriate touching very early. What was being done to me, I began to act out with other children or family members my age. I was molested by my female baby-sitter for months. I looked up to her, and I wanted her to like me so I agreed to try things with her.

My early experiences that brought about the pleasures of sex, peaked during my twenties. I didn't know who I was, and I thought sex was the only way to show love. It was my love language. Being molested and exposed to the pleasures of sex so early, all but destroyed me. I was angry at God for allowing my molestation to happen so I rebelled against Him and became very promiscuous. 

Tired of all the heartbreak, I decided to give God my heart...eventually. Decided I would be celibate. Celibacy was life changing for me. Life took on a whole new meaning. God and I were getting so much closer, and I knew that sex didn't have to be my only love language. There were very challenging times with choosing to be celibate, however, because of my past exposure to sex. 

Some women are tomboys. This doesn't mean they're queer. It just means they're tomboys. I knew a woman who was like this. I also knew she had a reputation for messing around with women. Still, I never got the impression she was flirting with me, I can be dense, but I really felt she was my friend and wasn't pursuing me.

We were supposed to "hang out," and things always fell through. I remember during those times I was feeling very lustful. And I remember praying to God to help me because sexually I was feeling very vulnerable, and very tempted. It was then that I realized lust knows no gender, and that given my experience, lust and temptation were not only limited to men for me...thankfully though, this woman and I never went out.

I cannot change what happened to me. I cannot change my story. I can be unashamed to share it, however, that it might draw all men unto Him. The beauty of reading Push came from accepting how God has made our bodies. #nocondemnation

Psalm 139:13-15 (NIV) says: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. #truth

There is no shame in that! God made my body to enjoy the pleasures of marital sex. There is no shame in that, but Satan brought about confusion when I was molested. I will not be ashamed to tell my story. My story is my ministry...and like Precious used her pain to become bold, so will I. #freedom

Sex in the context of marriage is beautiful. Perversion is evil. For those of us who have experienced pleasure within the context of perversion, our bodies were only responding the way God designed them to respond. There should be no confusion in that--we cannot change what happened to us, but we can better come to understand it, and be free. #nowwearefree