Herstory

"Didn't I tell you not to do that again?"

"So are you going to get some help?"

"You're bipolar."

"They're saying that domestic violence is on the rise in cases where women are forced to be home with their husbands."

For the last six years I have had these things said to me by my spouse. He has apologized for at least one of the comments, but his nature hasn't changed much. No, he doesn't tend to berate me or become hostile to the point where I feel physically threatened, at least not recently, but the weight of his words have definitely carried some blows to my spirit all the same.

The last quote I have mentioned is what he said to me during the height of COVID-19 last year. We were in shutdown mode, and I felt trapped. In the past I have shared directly to my spouse that I've found him to be verbally abusive of which no credit he will take. Though it hasn't changed my feelings. I shared what he said to me about the whole domestic violence cases with a sister from church. And do you know what she said to me?

"I don't know why a Godly man would say such a thing, but you remind him about the story of David and Goliath and how David dealt with his giant. I am all for encouragement, but even Goliath is called out for his behavior within the bible. While in our church circle, there has been more of a pat on the back for my spouse. No accountability. No validating my concerns or deepest fears at times; just more "I'll be praying," or "but he's such a Godly man."

Here's the reality for most women. Most church members ain't gonna call our spouses abusers. Despite the red signs that scream otherwise! They're gonna tell us to forgive and pray for them. To date, I have never heard a Pastor openly speak against domestic violence in the pulpit even though it's very likely that someone in his/her church has direct experience with this issue. That's a problem. 

I have never been physically assaulted by my spouse, but I have been bullied and verbally attacked multiple times. And yet I stay...I stay for reasons that cannot be fully summed up in words be they spoken or written.

I have left him twice to stay with my mother out of concern for my safety and well being. If I ever felt physically unsafe I would leave again. 

I don't share my day-to-day news with my spouse to folks in my circle because once in a disagreement it was thrown in my face. Besides, people can become cynical after hearing the same old news. Questions/opinions begin to form with increasing judgment such as, "Why do you stay? What else is it gonna take? Or the most annoying one yet..."If it were me..."

[On Friday, September 17th I attended an event for women at a friend's church. To my surprise there ended up being a dramatic presentation about domestic violence and a representative from Haven to speak about volunteering for the organization. I was further shocked when it was announced that Haven was going to receive a donation from the church to help support their efforts. I say that to say, I was wrong. While every church may not address this issue there are some who do. Blessings to those with the courage to address issues related to domestic violence for women, men, and children.]