"God, it's not fair if I cannot spiritually advance if the people connected to me have stopped pursuing you, but if I lose out on promotions and rewards largely because of your needing to use me to help others get closer to you, I choose to accept that..."
I stated the above prayer before getting out of bed this morning. Bitterness found its way into my heart this past weekend, and I allowed myself to explore deeply why. Why was I feeling bitter? I knew this morning that despite my hurt, God was wanting me to once again entrust it to Him. I thought my post for today would largely deal with bitterness, but as I arrived at church and listened I soon realized God had other plans.
It was simple. I arrived at church and I wanted to enter through the side entrance, but God prompted me to enter through the front entrance. I was hesitant because I know that there tend to be more people at the front entrance, which meant I couldn't easily sneak pass without going by unnoticed. Still, I obeyed and went through the front entrance. There were many faces I passed, as expected but it was looking good. I stopped and spoke, but I was steadily making my way to the sanctuary until my feet came to a complete stop.
One of my sisters from a past Christian study called, Journey, was working a booth and I haven't seen her in awhile. Journey was an intense study that my church offered, and in that study I along with several other women shared our life's narratives. There is never a time when I don't stop to speak with one of my sisters from that study. No matter how brief it is, we stop and greet each other warmly. We held each other in a tight embrace, neither of us wanting to let the other go.
When we did finally break a part, I was met with her intense and beautiful eyes asking me, how was I? To which I responded, I am well (lie. more on this later). We were still holding on to one another and her eyes appeared to see right through me. I asked her how she was, and she smiled and chuckled before retorting "life is shitty, but I am so glad I've got God." I squeezed her hand, because although I didn't say that I felt the same way. As we squeezed hands, I agreed that I would be lost without Him.
Later on, I would kick myself for not being honest with my sister in that moment. She had actually taken the time to ask about my well-being, and mean it. So many times, people ask me how I am and they don't mean it. They don't want to take the time to listen to my honest feelings. Even though, my initial response was a lie, I am glad to have a moment to recognize that someone else is facing some challenges as well. I am not alone.
Pastor Doug opened his sermon with the story of the Passion of Christ. The word passion has always been one of wonder for me. I never quite understood the meaning of it until today. Pastor Doug described passion not in the sense of how we have come to associate it, with romance, sex, or desire. He defined it along the lines of Jesus' willingness to suffer for us. That Jesus in His passion for man would allow himself to be crucified.
In that moment, I knew that would be the focus of my post today. Do you remember my prayer at the beginning? That prayer came in my response to revelation I received from God this past weekend. God revealed to me that some of the reason why I have not been given access to serve in certain capacities, has been strongly influenced by the lack of spiritual maturity of those closes to me. You may be saying to yourself, I should get some new friends or change my circle. God is saying otherwise, however.
Yes, God wants me to run my race, but He also wants me to be mindful of the races being run around me. I cannot run someone else's race. I cannot force a man who wants to quit to keep running, but what I can do is encourage him. I can pray for him. I can fast for him; not that he does what I want him to do, but that he would seek first the kingdom...and if that man should fall, and fall, and fall, then I should be willing to help him up. To lend a hand, even when he thinks it's not my hand he needs.
Essentially, what God needs from me is my willingness to be content with the possibility of never inheriting the blessings or rewards on earth, that I am faithful of receiving, if those closes to me are spiritually immature.
By faith, I may be deserving of much but if I never receive it on this earth, then that's my lot. I can think of a host of saints, Abraham, Sarah, Rahab, Noah, and Moses to name a few, who by faith were deserving of much, but their rewards were not always earthly.
"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." (Hebrews 11:13-16)
God, by faith, help me to live a life of passion, a life of suffering so that those closes to me may be closer to you.
Have you ever met someone who had "IT?" You can't quite describe it but they've got "IT?"
I continue to be amazed at the ways God brings about revelation to me. A professional friend of mine is the founder of an organization that specializes in workshops centering around suicide prevention for teens. Come May, she'll be presenting one of these workshops at the library. My colleagues and I sat down and met with her, and I could tell they were each very impressed by her.
Earlier last week, they both spoke to her confidence. It was her confidence that stood out to them. She has the "IT" Factor. Kiesha's got confidence! And it was in that very moment, that I realized how much I tend to lack confidence, especially artistically. I was proud of myself because normally when God imparts self-revelation to me, I have a tendency of putting myself down, but I am learning how to extend grace to myself.
Throughout my life, my confidence has been an uphill battle that first began with my appearance. Never feeling pretty enough, most of my poor decision making in my twenties stemmed from low self-esteem. Overtime I gave this over to God, and my inner beauty blossomed in such a way, that my outer beauty had no choice but to catch up!
There was a time I associated beauty with hair length, perfect teeth, pedicured feet, clothes, and curves. Now, there is no definition for my beauty. From my Christian faith to my calloused feet, I'm dope; my inner self, and my peculiarities all suggest this...#blackgirlmagic
In fact, it was during my head wrapping stage that I met my husband. During that season, I committed to not wearing weaves or wigs. My hair was short, and when I didn't have the money to get it styled, I resorted to wearing head wraps. And they were beautiful...sometimes I would even clip a flower to them, which became a signature for me.
My outer appearance is no longer a struggle for me. I have my days when I don't feel as on, but that's life, and not so much from a lack of confidence. Then what is it? Where are you lacking confidence, Jasmine? The answer...is in my talents...in writing for the performing arts, and the way I struggle to communicate.
I struggle with stepping into new territories knowing that I have the talent to be there. My passion for the performing arts is not a fad, and only those closes to me know how much it means to me to one day make a livelihood from a career solely based in the arts.
When things don't work out quite the way I want and those I hope will support my talents reject them, I get discouraged. I begin to question if my talent is enough--can I do this or that because so and so isn't supporting me. Will my next idea, be rejected as well, I wonder. All of this leads to me doubting myself.
Today I was reminded of James 1:6-8 which says, "But when you ask, you must believe, and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."
God gave me my talents to represent His glory, not the world's. I pray to stay focus and trust that when things don't work out the way I expected, God is still for me. He is for my writing. He is for my ministry in the arts. God is for me. He is for all of me. Of these truths...I can be confident.
Note to self: God is waiting on me to come into the truth of who He says I am. God made me with confidence. It's in my DNA. It's in my salvation. A part from him I can do nothing, but with Him...I can do anything. #humbleconfidence here I come...
Rejection sucks, but it is very much a part of life. There is no escaping it. In fact, I find that as I mature in my Christian faith, I am faced with even greater rejection, and the challenges to forgive as a result are harder.
I am the kind of person that when faced with rejection, I tend to pull away. I shut down and offer the silent treatment to those around me. I don't want to risk getting hurt again, but this is wrong. God is not pleased when I respond this way. God desires for me to still move towards people. Regardless if they acknowledge what they have done or not.
There are times when I honestly believe I have forgiven people who have hurt me, and then I see them and I feel the bitterness forming in my heart all over again...enough to know I am still struggling to forgive.
It happened this week...I was telling myself, "I've moved passed that situation, and I've forgiven the people involved." But then I saw the person, and I immediately became annoyed, and filled with resentment. Out of nowhere, I chose to bring up my old offense, and before I knew it I was on this rant about what the person, and others had done to me.
Here's what I know, forgiveness is oftentimes not a one time deal. It's a process, at least for me. So God, for every time I have been ignored, rejected, and overlooked I forgive. I forgive those who choose to ignore me rather than help me. I choose to serve you with joy, and to use my gifts to glorify you.
I know that pain is temporary God. My time on this earth is temporary. Teach me to trust you with all that I have in me. My pain has a purpose. I trust you. I entrust my pain to you...even when it feels that salt is being added to my wounds that have yet to fully heal, I have the right to cry out, and to ask Jesus to strengthen my capacity to forgive. To keep moving forward.
I know a man...some 2,000 years ago who was rejected. A man who didn't come here to be served, but to serve. He was rejected and looked down upon. Yet, he stayed focused. Jesus knew his purpose for being sent here. It wasn't to please man, but to please you, God.
Yes, people can be thoughtless, insensitive, and offensive, but so can I. And yet, you love me. Help me to love, and to forgive as you have loved and forgiven me, at my worse.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
It's hard raising a human. That's as best as I can put it. While I am fortunate to be co-parenting with my husband, the times when Zay and I are alone can be very overwhelming...Zay is a newly 2 year-old who is in full-blown "ME" mode. Everything is "HIS," and if that's not enough, his answer for everything is "NO."
Working a full-time job is a blessing, but after a long day, coming home to parent is a struggle. I've been around kids for eight hours or more, giving them my best self that most days, by the time I get to Zay my patience and energy are depleted. He deserves my patience and energy at their best, but I fall short in offering it to him.
What I am working on with Zay is communicating better with him, and learning to respect his choices. In essence, I am learning how to avoid the Matilda Effect.
The Matilda effect is a bias against acknowledging the achievements of those women scientists whose work is attributed to their male colleagues. This effect was first described by suffragist and abolitionist Matilda Joslyn Gage, and the phrase was coined by science historian, Margaret W. Rossiter in the 90s, per Wikipedia.
While the aforementioned Matilda Effect is related to science, my Matilda Effect comes directly from the movie, Matilda based on Roald Dahl's book of the same title, and deals more with how parents can have biases towards their children.
In the movie there's a scene with Matilda and her father played by Danny DeVito. Matilda learns that her father is a crook who is selling people bad cars. Never one to back down from confrontation, she calls him out on his poor business practices. Unnerved, he wastes no time chomping his bold daughter back down to size. In his rant, he tells her:
"Listen you little wiseacre,
I'm smart, you're dumb.
I'm big, you're little.
I'm right, you're wrong,
And there's nothing you can do about it!'
It got me thinking...how am I speaking to Zay? Am I putting him down when I believe him to be wrong? Will I be the parent who uses ego and intimidation tactics to manipulate him into following the rules? Or will I come to respect his choices, and discipline him peacefully, and as needed?
What I have come to learn is that disciplining Zay works best when I try to make it a teachable moment. A teachable moment requires that I put my pride, frustrations, and emotions aside to try and teach him why hitting is not okay or why it's important to clean up. My goal is not to bully him into doing these things. Though he is a child, he's still a person, who will lordwilling grow up to have his own family someday.
I don't want to destroy his self-esteem for the sake of being bigger, smarter, or right. I want his feelings to be validated while also establishing healthy and safe boundaries that are not fear based.
"Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." (1 Timothy 4:12)
This verse starts with us as parents. We are the example to our children. What example are we setting?
When your mind is racing, and everything around you seems to be on fast forward, what does it mean to be still? If you struggle or have struggled with anxiety, you can relate.
One of my favorite scriptures is 2 Peter 3:8, which says "with the Lord a day is like one thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." What this says to me is that God does not rush. He takes His time. Think about it, he could have created the earth and the fullness thereof in one day, but he stretched it out to seven days.
Red flag: When I begin to rush that's a huge sign that I'm anxious. I struggle with anxiety. I have for a very long time. Though my struggles are ongoing, I am grateful that they have improved within the last year.
I did try medication several years ago, but I have decided to take a faith-based approach to handling my anxiety. There are better days, and poor days, but I try to confess readily when I'm feeling anxious to God. Unlike in the past, when I've tried to suppress my emotions because I felt guilty for my struggles.
When my heart begins to beat rapidly, and my thoughts are coming all at once, I am reminded that this is not of God. God is stillness. God is peace. God is not confusion. God is knowledge. He is understanding. He is patience. And because God is all these things...I can relax. I can be still.
I once told someone to extend grace to himself, when he fell short of meeting his own expectations. Likewise, I need to extend grace to myself when my anxiety overwhelms me, and I don't quite respond, the way I would prefer.
What I have noticed is that since I've given up eating excessive amounts of candy, and become diligent to working out, it's not as bad. As I look forward to more years on this earth, I am hopeful of what's ahead, and thankful for my day-to-day revelations in overcoming anxiety.
Good friends are hard to come by. Take Elihu, for example. He doesn't show up until the end of Job, and yet he exhibits much patience and wisdom by the time he speaks to Job, unlike Job's other 3 friends. I also recognized that once Elihu was done speaking to Job, God spoke. What that says to me is that God was backing up what Elihu was saying...in other words, God was in agreement with what Elihu was saying.
As I read about Elihu on Friday morning, I wondered "who is my Elihu?" I tried to think of this person and that person, but my mind drew a blank. My work day, though long, was steady and productive, I hadn't thought much about my modern day Elihu, and the notion of identifying a similar friend in my life, slipped my mind. I didn't need anyone to call me out on pride, I had it all together...or so I thought.
Later Friday night, a good friend of mine came over to my home. This was her first time coming over since we moved, and it felt good to have her energy in the space. We had pizza, and we talked, and talked. She was very interested in my life, and knowing how to pray for me, sincerely. I spoke for what seemed to be an endless amount of time, and eventually my dear friend chimed in with wise words.
Before she gave it to me straight, she hesitated, and apologized in advance if I hated her after she dropped the mic (I assured her that I would not hate her). Basically, regarding what I shared, she told me I was looking down on the person. That I was not supporting this person as I should. She advised me to give this person to God...to let him/her go...and give the person to God. To love this person no matter what, and she shared an example of how she had sought out doing the same, and the results of it.
I knew she was telling me the truth. As she spoke of being freed from her frustrations, once she committed this person to God, I could feel her peace. She radiated peace, joy, and love. Not judgment. Not control. She accepted that God was in control. There I sat, in awe of her maturity.
I was speechless...because my spirit knew she was right. I knew she was right. As the evening progressed, and she left I would soon realize that my friend was Elihu. That in my moment of pride, she was the person God chose to set me straight. To help humble me. And she did it, with love and gentleness.
...Good friends are hard to come by, and sometimes the words they have for us are hard to swallow, but I'd rather be hurt by honest words from a friend than a lie stated in "good intentions" from a stranger.
I finished the book of Job today! Man, that book and the circumstances occurring in my life as I simultaneously read it, were tough. I was able to identify my 3 "associates," and I became mindful over the amount of access I was giving them to my life. I shut down one way of access by way of social media, and though it was not easy, it was wise. I am the kind of person who will answer a question honestly, even if it exposes something private and/or embarrassing about me.
Sometimes I lack the discretion, to know what should not be shared, because I mistakenly see every thing as ministry. I see my past and current sins as ways to lead people closer to God, if given a chance to have a conversation with them. I tend to speak with people in a no-holds barred fashion, if I believe it will help them. On the flip side, I believe God to be saying, everybody doesn't need to know the nitty-gritty about you, because he/she very well may lack the maturity to handle my story.
Learning lesson...
