Now We Are Free

This is the story of a girl who lost her voice and wrote herself a new one." ~Laurie Halse Anderson

When the movie Precious debuted several years ago, I made no efforts to see it. Based on some of my own childhood trauma, I didn't know how I would respond to the trauma depicted in the movie. In many respects, I feel the same way about the movie today which might cause some to ponder why I decided to read the book, Push? The books always provide a lot more details than the movies that are later made about them.

I was inspired to implement a revamped Teen Book Club at my library because the old ones weren't working. READ WOKE is a book club that was inspired by a School Librarian in Georgia for High School students. Her students are black and brown and wanted to read about their experiences. They wanted to see themselves represented in literature. The books she selects for them are written by authors who are people of color and reflect characters who are confronting social injustices.

So far, we've held two book clubs for the READ WOKE series and it's a draw for teens at my library. I am amazed at their transparency and willingness to learn/discuss everything from sex trafficking to alcoholism. The last book, Push by Sapphire is how I have come to learn about the character of Precious Jones. 

Sapphire is a bold writer. My co-worker asked me what I thought about the book when I was in the earlier stages of reading it, and I told her it was disgusting. (I no longer feel this way. It's a very empowering read.) It was disgusting to read the graphic detail the main character used to describe being raped by her father, and inappropriately touched by her mother. It was disgusting that she was pregnant by her father for the second time, and she couldn't read or write. It brought me great pain to read this book in the beginning. I grieved for the character of Precious because I knew she was more than a character...I knew somebody else had her story or could relate to it.

I think the hardest truth to confront from reading Push came from Precious trying to make sense of how her body responded to her father's perversion. In other words, it confused her that something so wrong as her father raping her, could later result in her experiencing pleasure. In experiencing an orgasm.

And it was then when I could relate to Precious' confusion all too well...

As a child I was exposed to fondling and inappropriate touching very early. What was being done to me, I began to act out with other children or family members my age. I was molested by my female baby-sitter for months. I looked up to her, and I wanted her to like me so I agreed to try things with her.

My early experiences that brought about the pleasures of sex, peaked during my twenties. I didn't know who I was, and I thought sex was the only way to show love. It was my love language. Being molested and exposed to the pleasures of sex so early, all but destroyed me. I was angry at God for allowing my molestation to happen so I rebelled against Him and became very promiscuous. 

Tired of all the heartbreak, I decided to give God my heart...eventually. Decided I would be celibate. Celibacy was life changing for me. Life took on a whole new meaning. God and I were getting so much closer, and I knew that sex didn't have to be my only love language. There were very challenging times with choosing to be celibate, however, because of my past exposure to sex. 

Some women are tomboys. This doesn't mean they're queer. It just means they're tomboys. I knew a woman who was like this. I also knew she had a reputation for messing around with women. Still, I never got the impression she was flirting with me, I can be dense, but I really felt she was my friend and wasn't pursuing me.

We were supposed to "hang out," and things always fell through. I remember during those times I was feeling very lustful. And I remember praying to God to help me because sexually I was feeling very vulnerable, and very tempted. It was then that I realized lust knows no gender, and that given my experience, lust and temptation were not only limited to men for me...thankfully though, this woman and I never went out.

I cannot change what happened to me. I cannot change my story. I can be unashamed to share it, however, that it might draw all men unto Him. The beauty of reading Push came from accepting how God has made our bodies. #nocondemnation

Psalm 139:13-15 (NIV) says: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. #truth

There is no shame in that! God made my body to enjoy the pleasures of marital sex. There is no shame in that, but Satan brought about confusion when I was molested. I will not be ashamed to tell my story. My story is my ministry...and like Precious used her pain to become bold, so will I. #freedom

Sex in the context of marriage is beautiful. Perversion is evil. For those of us who have experienced pleasure within the context of perversion, our bodies were only responding the way God designed them to respond. There should be no confusion in that--we cannot change what happened to us, but we can better come to understand it, and be free. #nowwearefree

Overlooked

Preface- It's been a minute...but sometimes you gotta step back and just let stuff roll. The last few weeks I have discovered that God was more interested in me being available to receive His revelation. And believe it or not, I rolled with it. More on this later.

One word: LENT! What a Lent. This year my husband and I decided we would each give up meat for Lent. At first we were going to do the Daniel fast (think healthy stuff: fruits, veggies, and etc.) but after some research my husband decided we should just give up meat, and I rolled with it! Well...I tried to roll with it, but my mind was like, "no meat?" So yes, friends, I did have meat twice...about two meatballs, and bacon bits on a salad, but to my defense I did tell the kitchen staff, "no meat on the salad," and they still put them on there, so by that point--THERE WAS NO GOING BACK! I straight smashed those bacon bits. #unashamed

The beautiful thing about Hosea and I doing this together is that it marked the first time either of us had given up the same thing. That's a big deal. To have been or to have tried to be in unison with him during Lent speaks to God's ability to grow our marriage. We enjoyed trying vegan food, and discovering new things to eat that were just as good, or not so much. Still, we did it! And we did it together. #hoperestored

I am very goal oriented. I love to check boxes. I love a sense of completion. Going into Lent this year though, I was more focused on being in unity with Hosea, as we pledged to not eat meat and complete a church study. Those were my end goals, which was something new for me but I am learning that I don't want to be married, and not growing with my husband. Truth be told, if I am growing, but my marriage is not...then I'm not really growing anyway. It's good to grow with your spouse...#forbetterorworse

And in exchange for my sincere desire to be in unity with Hosea during Lent, God gave me favor and truth that I couldn't have seen coming...the one that has been most impactful occurred on Sunday, April 14. 

Hosea and I were attending church service only it was something a bit different from our normal service. As opposed to preaching, Pastor Doug allowed the stories people wrote to him about their experience/completion of our church study to be read aloud.

There was a story shared about rejection. How a father's rejection impacted his daughter's self-worth. My insides perked up...and suddenly her story became my story. Let me say this, I have made peace with what my father did or didn't do concerning my upbringing. I have forgiven him for whatever I believe he did or didn't do. Through it all, I do believe he did his best, or at least the best he knew to do for me.

What I failed to do up until that point was recognize how my father's emotional rejection over the years helped to create such a strong fear of rejection within me, that it was all but choking me. Years ago, I encountered a very painful rejection as a teenager that I carried with me well into adulthood. 

This person at the time, and in his arrogance, overlooked me, and it took me over twenty years to realize that in my pain...in my unwillingness to forgive him; I would make a decision that would forever change the trajectory of my life. A decision that involved me making a choice that was more my will, than it was ever God's will...

And so for over twenty years, I've seen this grown man as the boy who hurt me...and it wasn't until last Sunday that I realized I was still carrying around this hurt...

Last Sunday, God gave me an invitation to confess these truths: 

1. I hate being rejected.

2. In my hurt feelings, I sinned against Him.

But here's the thing...people will overlook me. They will reject me. That's life. To become a shell of a person for fear of being overlooked or rejected is no longer an excuse.

Since then, I have forgiven this person, but what's more is that I have forgiven myself for being so prideful and stubborn. How unfair was it of me to not think he was capable of changing. What a wretch I am!

It never ceases to amaze me that when I think how much I have it together, God in his abundant grace and mercy comes along to gently reveal unto me the truth about myself. How could I not serve a God like that?

Jesus Christ was overlooked and rejected by the world, yet he stayed obedient. His legacy gives me hope. Hope to stay the course even when the person I'm scared to face is me...me and all my mess. Do you know that even in my disobedience how much God has blessed me? How much favor I have received in spite of my sins? 

His love is indescribable. His mercy is undeniable.