It's hard raising a human. That's as best as I can put it. While I am fortunate to be co-parenting with my husband, the times when Zay and I are alone can be very overwhelming...Zay is a newly 2 year-old who is in full-blown "ME" mode. Everything is "HIS," and if that's not enough, his answer for everything is "NO."
Working a full-time job is a blessing, but after a long day, coming home to parent is a struggle. I've been around kids for eight hours or more, giving them my best self that most days, by the time I get to Zay my patience and energy are depleted. He deserves my patience and energy at their best, but I fall short in offering it to him.
What I am working on with Zay is communicating better with him, and learning to respect his choices. In essence, I am learning how to avoid the Matilda Effect.
The Matilda effect is a bias against acknowledging the achievements of those women scientists whose work is attributed to their male colleagues. This effect was first described by suffragist and abolitionist Matilda Joslyn Gage, and the phrase was coined by science historian, Margaret W. Rossiter in the 90s, per Wikipedia.
While the aforementioned Matilda Effect is related to science, my Matilda Effect comes directly from the movie, Matilda based on Roald Dahl's book of the same title, and deals more with how parents can have biases towards their children.
In the movie there's a scene with Matilda and her father played by Danny DeVito. Matilda learns that her father is a crook who is selling people bad cars. Never one to back down from confrontation, she calls him out on his poor business practices. Unnerved, he wastes no time chomping his bold daughter back down to size. In his rant, he tells her:
"Listen you little wiseacre,
I'm smart, you're dumb.
I'm big, you're little.
I'm right, you're wrong,
And there's nothing you can do about it!'
It got me thinking...how am I speaking to Zay? Am I putting him down when I believe him to be wrong? Will I be the parent who uses ego and intimidation tactics to manipulate him into following the rules? Or will I come to respect his choices, and discipline him peacefully, and as needed?
What I have come to learn is that disciplining Zay works best when I try to make it a teachable moment. A teachable moment requires that I put my pride, frustrations, and emotions aside to try and teach him why hitting is not okay or why it's important to clean up. My goal is not to bully him into doing these things. Though he is a child, he's still a person, who will lordwilling grow up to have his own family someday.
I don't want to destroy his self-esteem for the sake of being bigger, smarter, or right. I want his feelings to be validated while also establishing healthy and safe boundaries that are not fear based.
"Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." (1 Timothy 4:12)
This verse starts with us as parents. We are the example to our children. What example are we setting?
When your mind is racing, and everything around you seems to be on fast forward, what does it mean to be still? If you struggle or have struggled with anxiety, you can relate.
One of my favorite scriptures is 2 Peter 3:8, which says "with the Lord a day is like one thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." What this says to me is that God does not rush. He takes His time. Think about it, he could have created the earth and the fullness thereof in one day, but he stretched it out to seven days.
Red flag: When I begin to rush that's a huge sign that I'm anxious. I struggle with anxiety. I have for a very long time. Though my struggles are ongoing, I am grateful that they have improved within the last year.
I did try medication several years ago, but I have decided to take a faith-based approach to handling my anxiety. There are better days, and poor days, but I try to confess readily when I'm feeling anxious to God. Unlike in the past, when I've tried to suppress my emotions because I felt guilty for my struggles.
When my heart begins to beat rapidly, and my thoughts are coming all at once, I am reminded that this is not of God. God is stillness. God is peace. God is not confusion. God is knowledge. He is understanding. He is patience. And because God is all these things...I can relax. I can be still.
I once told someone to extend grace to himself, when he fell short of meeting his own expectations. Likewise, I need to extend grace to myself when my anxiety overwhelms me, and I don't quite respond, the way I would prefer.
What I have noticed is that since I've given up eating excessive amounts of candy, and become diligent to working out, it's not as bad. As I look forward to more years on this earth, I am hopeful of what's ahead, and thankful for my day-to-day revelations in overcoming anxiety.
Good friends are hard to come by. Take Elihu, for example. He doesn't show up until the end of Job, and yet he exhibits much patience and wisdom by the time he speaks to Job, unlike Job's other 3 friends. I also recognized that once Elihu was done speaking to Job, God spoke. What that says to me is that God was backing up what Elihu was saying...in other words, God was in agreement with what Elihu was saying.
As I read about Elihu on Friday morning, I wondered "who is my Elihu?" I tried to think of this person and that person, but my mind drew a blank. My work day, though long, was steady and productive, I hadn't thought much about my modern day Elihu, and the notion of identifying a similar friend in my life, slipped my mind. I didn't need anyone to call me out on pride, I had it all together...or so I thought.
Later Friday night, a good friend of mine came over to my home. This was her first time coming over since we moved, and it felt good to have her energy in the space. We had pizza, and we talked, and talked. She was very interested in my life, and knowing how to pray for me, sincerely. I spoke for what seemed to be an endless amount of time, and eventually my dear friend chimed in with wise words.
Before she gave it to me straight, she hesitated, and apologized in advance if I hated her after she dropped the mic (I assured her that I would not hate her). Basically, regarding what I shared, she told me I was looking down on the person. That I was not supporting this person as I should. She advised me to give this person to God...to let him/her go...and give the person to God. To love this person no matter what, and she shared an example of how she had sought out doing the same, and the results of it.
I knew she was telling me the truth. As she spoke of being freed from her frustrations, once she committed this person to God, I could feel her peace. She radiated peace, joy, and love. Not judgment. Not control. She accepted that God was in control. There I sat, in awe of her maturity.
I was speechless...because my spirit knew she was right. I knew she was right. As the evening progressed, and she left I would soon realize that my friend was Elihu. That in my moment of pride, she was the person God chose to set me straight. To help humble me. And she did it, with love and gentleness.
...Good friends are hard to come by, and sometimes the words they have for us are hard to swallow, but I'd rather be hurt by honest words from a friend than a lie stated in "good intentions" from a stranger.
I finished the book of Job today! Man, that book and the circumstances occurring in my life as I simultaneously read it, were tough. I was able to identify my 3 "associates," and I became mindful over the amount of access I was giving them to my life. I shut down one way of access by way of social media, and though it was not easy, it was wise. I am the kind of person who will answer a question honestly, even if it exposes something private and/or embarrassing about me.
Sometimes I lack the discretion, to know what should not be shared, because I mistakenly see every thing as ministry. I see my past and current sins as ways to lead people closer to God, if given a chance to have a conversation with them. I tend to speak with people in a no-holds barred fashion, if I believe it will help them. On the flip side, I believe God to be saying, everybody doesn't need to know the nitty-gritty about you, because he/she very well may lack the maturity to handle my story.
Learning lesson...
January for the last several years has been the month that is filled with challenges. I have found that my response to those challenges often shapes the remaining months of the year.
It's not that the other 11 months are without their challenges, but January tends to help me know how to better respond to those challenges. It's a month of intense sacrifice, discomfort, and introspection.
I tend to become bitter and hateful of the process along the way. Being uncomfortable is not fun, but I've heard on more than one occasion how God cares less about my comfort and more about my character.
This year, I am reading the bible in a year, chronologically. What this means is that while I started in Genesis, I am now reading through the book of Job. Once I finish Job, I will return to Genesis.
Before I even began reading the book of Job, I knew God was preparing me to face the reality that I would be suffering or facing some sort of trial. I knew it before I even started to read it.
One of my trials has been ongoing for years. I received poor dental work years ago, that I hoped would be resolved by 2018. That hasn't happened. In fact, though my current dentist tried very hard to correct my issue, he was unsuccessful. What this means is that I will now need to go and see a specialist to fix my dental issue.
...what this also means is that I will be in pain until then. Make a long story short, I cannot chew comfortably on one side of my mouth. This has been the case for years, but within the last 2 months, it's gotten worse when it was supposed to be getting better.
Often times, I've noticed that right before things appear to get better, they get worse. Or so it would appear.
Like Job, I am fervent in my faith. Try my best to do right by people, and yet challenges find me. But it's something to be said when God can brag on you...
Yes, I have challenges, but many of them are character-driven tests so that when God sends me out, He can trust that I will have the humility that will be required of me along the way.
One of the other challenges I recognized is something that I very much brought onto myself. As did Job...I have given at least 3 people too much access to me. I tend to be rather private, but even in that I have not been wise in discerning what to share with some.
As Job had 3 "friends" that were quick to offer their opinions regarding his circumstances; so I have at least 3 "associates" who love to offer their opinions regarding my affairs. My challenge in the next week or so, will be to redefine the amount of access I've given to these individuals in an attempt to guard my destiny.
To be continued...
