ON

Back in the day...Saved by the Bell was my jam!!! I lived for Saturday mornings where my cousins and I would eagerly await new episodes. Even back then I would chuckle at some of the show's cheesiest moments, but I still loved it nonetheless. The above clip comes from one of the funniest episodes to me. Though the issue at hand is of no laughing matter, it's the character's response to her stress that I find humorous. In fact, every now and then, I joke to pulling a "Jessie Spano"...I know...I'm ridiculous, but there's something to be said about always feeling as though you have to be "ON."

There are times when I just don't want to be bothered. With life. With people. With myself. I want to be "OFF." I want to be reckless. I want to tell people what's really on my mind. I want to curse. I want to get physical, and NOT in the Olivia Newton-John sense either! Yet as I become older, I am keenly aware of what I have at stake...and I know that to risk that for a brief moment of being "OFF," isn't worth it. 

Everything doesn't need to be said. Starting sentences off with "I feel like," or "I'm just saying" are not options for me in this season. Feelings can be very deceptive. In this season I'm saying to myself, Jasmine, "Shut up!" Not, "Be quiet." Not, "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all." I am saying to myself, "SHUT UP!" If I said everything that I felt...everything that came to my mind I would be detested. I would speak word curses over people, that would cause wounds no apology could ever heal. 

I know the power of my tongue. I know the poison that can drip from it when I lash out. I'd rather process my anger at 34 then to give myself a pass to be in my feelings.  It takes a lot to get me upset, but once I'm there--it's very hard for me to calm down. When I was younger and I got upset, I had to burn something. Setting something on fire would calm me down. Guess you could say that I was quite the little arsonist! I let that go--to embrace needing to break something. I've had my Muhammad Ali moments. Where before I knew it, I was jumping in the air and preparing to swing. 

I don't share that proudly, I share it because I have learned that it's always best to walk away. To shut my mouth, and hold my peace. Life and death are truly in the power of the tongue, especially mine. 

What am I saying? That I'm always "ON?" No, far from it! But when I'm "off" it tends to be in the presence of God because I would rather fall into his hands than the hands of man any day! With God there's mercy, there's not always mercy with humans. I give God my ugly, my screams, my pain. Sometimes I curse, but I give it to Him. I let him know how unfair it is, how I really want to respond, and once I get that all out of my system, I can gradually work my way to being "ON" again.

Christ died that I would walk in the light. That I would choose the light over darkness. I use to think that being "on" involved me being fake. And sometimes it is fake. What I am projecting isn't always what I'm feeling, but I'd rather project kindness and allow that to seep into my heart, than to settle for being wicked--for being reckless. 

I don't know who's watching me. I don't know how my influence is affecting those around me, but I do know that I've come too far from where I've started from to be "off." Hence, I chose to be "ON."