ON

Back in the day...Saved by the Bell was my jam!!! I lived for Saturday mornings where my cousins and I would eagerly await new episodes. Even back then I would chuckle at some of the show's cheesiest moments, but I still loved it nonetheless. The above clip comes from one of the funniest episodes to me. Though the issue at hand is of no laughing matter, it's the character's response to her stress that I find humorous. In fact, every now and then, I joke to pulling a "Jessie Spano"...I know...I'm ridiculous, but there's something to be said about always feeling as though you have to be "ON."

There are times when I just don't want to be bothered. With life. With people. With myself. I want to be "OFF." I want to be reckless. I want to tell people what's really on my mind. I want to curse. I want to get physical, and NOT in the Olivia Newton-John sense either! Yet as I become older, I am keenly aware of what I have at stake...and I know that to risk that for a brief moment of being "OFF," isn't worth it. 

Everything doesn't need to be said. Starting sentences off with "I feel like," or "I'm just saying" are not options for me in this season. Feelings can be very deceptive. In this season I'm saying to myself, Jasmine, "Shut up!" Not, "Be quiet." Not, "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all." I am saying to myself, "SHUT UP!" If I said everything that I felt...everything that came to my mind I would be detested. I would speak word curses over people, that would cause wounds no apology could ever heal. 

I know the power of my tongue. I know the poison that can drip from it when I lash out. I'd rather process my anger at 34 then to give myself a pass to be in my feelings.  It takes a lot to get me upset, but once I'm there--it's very hard for me to calm down. When I was younger and I got upset, I had to burn something. Setting something on fire would calm me down. Guess you could say that I was quite the little arsonist! I let that go--to embrace needing to break something. I've had my Muhammad Ali moments. Where before I knew it, I was jumping in the air and preparing to swing. 

I don't share that proudly, I share it because I have learned that it's always best to walk away. To shut my mouth, and hold my peace. Life and death are truly in the power of the tongue, especially mine. 

What am I saying? That I'm always "ON?" No, far from it! But when I'm "off" it tends to be in the presence of God because I would rather fall into his hands than the hands of man any day! With God there's mercy, there's not always mercy with humans. I give God my ugly, my screams, my pain. Sometimes I curse, but I give it to Him. I let him know how unfair it is, how I really want to respond, and once I get that all out of my system, I can gradually work my way to being "ON" again.

Christ died that I would walk in the light. That I would choose the light over darkness. I use to think that being "on" involved me being fake. And sometimes it is fake. What I am projecting isn't always what I'm feeling, but I'd rather project kindness and allow that to seep into my heart, than to settle for being wicked--for being reckless. 

I don't know who's watching me. I don't know how my influence is affecting those around me, but I do know that I've come too far from where I've started from to be "off." Hence, I chose to be "ON."

The Interview: Father's Day Edition

As a wife and mom, it would be very easy to share my thoughts about Hosea as a Father. In all fairness though, I thought it would be unique to hear what he had to say about being a Father, and to instead record it in his own words. His responses represent the questions he was asked by me.

JP: Did you feel like a Dad throughout the 9 months leading up to Zay's arrival? Or did you feel like a Dad when you first laid eyes on him?
HP: When I first laid eyes on him.

JP: What thoughts or emotions did you experience when you first laid eyes on Zay?
HP: It wasn't thoughts, as much as it was emotion. I felt a new love...a whole notha kind of love.

JP: How many Father's Days have you celebrated?
HP: 3.

JP: What about fatherhood brings you joy?
HP: Having someone who looks up to you, seeing Zay grow, and being able to be there for him spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

JP: What's hard about being a Father?
HP: Learning as I go...

JP: Favorite things to do with Zay?
HP: Watch movies (Bumblebee, Black Panther, Ant Man 1+2), wrestle, and pray. I also love when he lays on me and shows me affection.
JP: I love seeing the two of you wrestling on the floor, and hearing Zay laugh uncontrollably from the excitement of it.

JP: How do you speak into his life?
HP: I pray over him, and I tell him to be a good example, to be a leader, and not a follower.
JP:What else do you say to him?
HP: I tell him he's a leader of God.
JP: That's my favorite thing to hear you tell him, and I especially love when he repeats it.

JP: Favorite memory with Zay?
HP: Him saying his first words, and taking his first steps.

JP: How has becoming a Father changed you?
HP: It has taught me how to be more patient, and more importantly it has caused me to see things I've needed to change, and the things I can no longer do.

JP: What are your fears in raising Zay?
HP: That he will be a victim of police brutality, and be overcome by the darkness and cruelty of the world itself.

JP: What do we do consistently as parents with Zay?
HP: We pray over him, give him unconditional love, show him kindness, teach him the meaning of forgiveness and caring. 
JP: I have personally come to love that we pray at night as a family in Zay's room before he goes to sleep.We also read to him almost every night. 

JP: Final words?
HP: I didn't have a Dad who was there spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I want to care for Zay's heart. I want to be present. Caring for him and being there when he needs me...I want to be there to wipe his tears. His Heavenly Father will always be present, but I want to be here as long as I can taking care of my responsibility. I don't want to make promises, I can't keep.

JP: Thank you for being the Father Zay deserves and needs. Thanks for wanting to be in his life, and for helping to raise him. Happy Father's Day baby 💓💕💕💕💕💕