Herstory

"Didn't I tell you not to do that again?"

"So are you going to get some help?"

"You're bipolar."

"They're saying that domestic violence is on the rise in cases where women are forced to be home with their husbands."

For the last six years I have had these things said to me by my spouse. He has apologized for at least one of the comments, but his nature hasn't changed much. No, he doesn't tend to berate me or become hostile to the point where I feel physically threatened, at least not recently, but the weight of his words have definitely carried some blows to my spirit all the same.

The last quote I have mentioned is what he said to me during the height of COVID-19 last year. We were in shutdown mode, and I felt trapped. In the past I have shared directly to my spouse that I've found him to be verbally abusive of which no credit he will take. Though it hasn't changed my feelings. I shared what he said to me about the whole domestic violence cases with a sister from church. And do you know what she said to me?

"I don't know why a Godly man would say such a thing, but you remind him about the story of David and Goliath and how David dealt with his giant. I am all for encouragement, but even Goliath is called out for his behavior within the bible. While in our church circle, there has been more of a pat on the back for my spouse. No accountability. No validating my concerns or deepest fears at times; just more "I'll be praying," or "but he's such a Godly man."

Here's the reality for most women. Most church members ain't gonna call our spouses abusers. Despite the red signs that scream otherwise! They're gonna tell us to forgive and pray for them. To date, I have never heard a Pastor openly speak against domestic violence in the pulpit even though it's very likely that someone in his/her church has direct experience with this issue. That's a problem. 

I have never been physically assaulted by my spouse, but I have been bullied and verbally attacked multiple times. And yet I stay...I stay for reasons that cannot be fully summed up in words be they spoken or written.

I have left him twice to stay with my mother out of concern for my safety and well being. If I ever felt physically unsafe I would leave again. 

I don't share my day-to-day news with my spouse to folks in my circle because once in a disagreement it was thrown in my face. Besides, people can become cynical after hearing the same old news. Questions/opinions begin to form with increasing judgment such as, "Why do you stay? What else is it gonna take? Or the most annoying one yet..."If it were me..."

[On Friday, September 17th I attended an event for women at a friend's church. To my surprise there ended up being a dramatic presentation about domestic violence and a representative from Haven to speak about volunteering for the organization. I was further shocked when it was announced that Haven was going to receive a donation from the church to help support their efforts. I say that to say, I was wrong. While every church may not address this issue there are some who do. Blessings to those with the courage to address issues related to domestic violence for women, men, and children.]

Protection

God's Protection

If I Can Just...

 

Dear Coretta

Inspired from Dear Martin by Nic Stone 

Dear Coretta,

backbone of the movement

how on earth did you do it?

When Brother Martin

was on the road

leading movements

being a peacemaker to the nation

how did you care for yourself?

your children?

and still remain, hopeful.

Dear Coretta,

how did you live with the threats?

the phone calls.

the fear.

the loneliness.

how did you manage it all?

Dear Coretta,

did you ever have sleepless nights?

tear-stained sheets?

when Brother Martin was there by your side

did you still feel alone?

did the weight of his burden

cause you to sometimes feel abandoned even?

Dear Coretta,

how did you bear it?

when they sent you those tapes

the sounds that came from them

knowing that they belonged to him and ella...

la amante.

Dear Coretta,

how did you remain poised

self-controlled

gracious

submissive

in the face of betrayal and the groaning of creation?

Ahhh--yes, I know now.

God.

God heard Jesus Christ interceding for you. 

Begging that you'd be strengthened.

Christ heard your crying.

He made sense of your groans.

And brought it before the Father.

Dear God,

in times of doubt

despair

wickedness

betrayal

lies

evil

help me to know that if you did it

for Sister Coretta

You can do it for me too.

en el nombre de Jesuscristo, 

amén.

Crowned

 

2020 has been anything but glorious. In my last post, I vented about some of the hardships that I've encountered this year. As I got to thinking though, I realized that this year was filled with so much favor from God that it was important for me to not overlook. I am making my way through the book of Psalm. Earlier this week, I read Psalm 65 in the Christian Standard Bible translation. Verse 11 says, "You crown the year with your goodness; your carts overflow with plenty." When I initially read that, I thought "say what?" All the deaths attributed to COVID-19. All the lay-offs. All the closed businesses. All the canceled festivities. Still, the word of God is clear; God has crowned the year with his goodness; his carts overflow with plenty.

This verse makes it clear that despite the events of 2020, God has crowned the year with his goodness; his carts overflow with plenty.

2020 has been one heck of a year, and it's not over! Our hope is not to be lost in what has happened, for what has happened cannot be undone. Our hope is to be had in what lies ahead. For what lies ahead is unseen. We hope for what we do not yet have, but hope to inherit someday. 

Though I have lost much in 2020, I can say God has crowned my year with goodness; my carts overflow with plenty. Can you say the same despite whoever or whatever you may have lost this year?

#begrateful

Mi año

Lordwilling, if I am here to see 2020 end it will not be missed! I will keep my gripes about the year short, but man has it been a tough one. Even with the pandemic, this year has seen the end of more friendships or close relationships of mine, than in years past.

In fact, a few weeks ago I prayed to the Lord asking to leave relationships not meant to be a part of my 2021, in 2020. I didn't expect Him to answer me so quickly.

I had two relationships explode literally a week a part from each other. One with a person I considered to be a former best friend calling me out of my name, and trying to throw painful details I shared with her, in my face.

Rather than respond, I ignored her. 2020 has helped to teach me how and how not to respond. 

I spent a large chunk of the year behaving foolishly. Yelling, confronting folks in their faces, and just actin ignant. I allowed my temper to get the best of me at times, and some of the things that came out of my mouth were absolutely shameful. I found that my silence over the years helped to create a rage that laid dormant within me until this year. Controlling my rage has been an ongoing challenge for me, but...

By the time my former friend cussed me out, I had developed enough self-control not to go Laila Ali on her. Though it was hard, I am happy she never got the satisfaction of seeing my ugly side in that moment.

For every relationship that I lost this year, I cannot say that I gained another. What I can say is that I gained my voice, and having a voice is bigger than having a lot of friends especially if they don't know how to treat you.

Jas, has always been laid-back, quiet, and reserved without much to say. I learned early on how to suppress my feelings so that others could feel validated and happy. For most of my life, I have been the perfect candidate for bullies because I never spoke up for myself. 

...Until this year. This year I said no, and I meant it. When I didn't want to talk to certain folks I didn't. When I wanted to delete someone as my friend on social media, I did. No explanations, I just did. Protecting my peace became mandatory. And what I grew to discover was that the supposed people in my life who "luhed" me couldn't handle who I was becoming.

TRUTH

Why certain relationships in my life this year ended; because of the truth. The moment I stopped sugarcoating my words, stopped tolerating nonsense, and began speaking up for myself some of the people in my life couldn't handle it. I spent less time being silent, and became more focused on asserting myself through trying situations. People will tell you to be upfront with them, but the truth is that majority of them cannot handle the truth. They would rather feel good, than to be given an honest word. If your current circle of friends doesn't receive truth well, it might be in your best interest to release them. 

NEWS FLASH: AIN'T NOBODY BULLYIN JASMINE, PERIODT.

Listen, if folks cannot handle who you are becoming then they most certainly won't be able to handle who you will be. As my girl Marilyn Monroe once said, "I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." And that ladies and gentlemen is what I like to call, real talk.

It's sad that when you're saying and doing everything people expect of you, everything is cool. The minute you begin to think for yourself and take some time to decide who you are, not who they want you to be, things change. Everybody isn't this way, but a lot of people who were associated with me were, and they had to go!

The parting words of those who were once close to me have hurt me, and every now and then I can feel pings of anger when I dwell on them for too long. They may even be able to say the same about my words...if I am being honest.

However, I cannot worry what they will say to try and disparage my name, nor should I care. With so much light and victory ahead of me, why or earth would I stop to turn back to see the past and those stuck there?

I won't. Cheers, to moving forward.

FORWARD

My health was something that I took for granted. My foot injury coupled by COVID-19 pushed a long pause button on my fitness routine. I wasn't eating properly and I needed to make some changes to my diet. During the Thanksgiving holiday, I pleaded with God that if he healed me I would make those changes. It has been nearly three weeks since I've had meat (My husband also decided to do this with me, bless his heart!) and I feel great. I can't see me ever giving up fried chicken completely, but I will admit that working out and eating healthy has me feeling at my best; and I am in no rush to forfeit this feeling. 

I am looking forward to the journey ahead, though I expect it will not be easy. Still, if God has brought me this far, he can surely take me even further...by faith.

 

Hijo...

Hoy es el cumpleaños de mi hijo. Él tiene cuatro años. No puedo creo que mi hijo tiene cuatro años. Oseas es muy inteligente y chitoso. Me amo mi hijo mucho. Le gustan leer libros y mirar la televisión. Espero hoy es un día bueno para él. ¡Feliz cumpleaños, Oseas!

Today, the son to whom God entrusted to me turns four-years-old. I cannot believe it. Mi hijo is four-years-old! Four years ago, I spent twelve hours in labor before the big push came to pass. Zay is healthy, smart, kind, and funny. He is thoughtful. He's an absolute Godsend.

Several months ago, he used to tell me all the time that he would never leave me. To which I would respond, "Yes, but if you do I understand." "It's okay to leave me, because at some point life will require that you must." I don't want Zay to be a momma's boy. I want him to be confident that he can be a man apart from me. 

Someday, Zay will have a wife. He will need to know how to lead her. How to be there for her. How to comfortably place her as the first lady of his life. In order to cleave to his wife...he must...he must leave me. If he never leaves me...then he will never learn how to cleave to his wife. So no, I don't want him to be a momma's boy, I need him to be a man. A strong man. For God, for his wife, and their family someday...

Although the day will surely come when I am no longer the first lady of Zay's life, it doesn't mean that I won't be rooting for him. No matter where he is. Or who he is with, I will always be rooting for the son to whom God has entrusted to me.