Lordwilling, if I am here to see 2020 end it will not be missed! I will keep my gripes about the year short, but man has it been a tough one. Even with the pandemic, this year has seen the end of more friendships or close relationships of mine, than in years past.In fact, a few weeks ago I prayed to the Lord asking to leave relationships not meant to be a part of my 2021, in 2020. I didn't expect Him to answer me so quickly.
I had two relationships explode literally a week a part from each other. One with a person I considered to be a former best friend calling me out of my name, and trying to throw painful details I shared with her, in my face.
Rather than respond, I ignored her. 2020 has helped to teach me how and how not to respond.
I spent a large chunk of the year behaving foolishly. Yelling, confronting folks in their faces, and just actin ignant. I allowed my temper to get the best of me at times, and some of the things that came out of my mouth were absolutely shameful. I found that my silence over the years helped to create a rage that laid dormant within me until this year. Controlling my rage has been an ongoing challenge for me, but...
By the time my former friend cussed me out, I had developed enough self-control not to go Laila Ali on her. Though it was hard, I am happy she never got the satisfaction of seeing my ugly side in that moment.
For every relationship that I lost this year, I cannot say that I gained another. What I can say is that I gained my voice, and having a voice is bigger than having a lot of friends especially if they don't know how to treat you.
Jas, has always been laid-back, quiet, and reserved without much to say. I learned early on how to suppress my feelings so that others could feel validated and happy. For most of my life, I have been the perfect candidate for bullies because I never spoke up for myself.
...Until this year. This year I said no, and I meant it. When I didn't want to talk to certain folks I didn't. When I wanted to delete someone as my friend on social media, I did. No explanations, I just did. Protecting my peace became mandatory. And what I grew to discover was that the supposed people in my life who "luhed" me couldn't handle who I was becoming.
TRUTH
Why certain relationships in my life this year ended; because of the truth. The moment I stopped sugarcoating my words, stopped tolerating nonsense, and began speaking up for myself some of the people in my life couldn't handle it. I spent less time being silent, and became more focused on asserting myself through trying situations. People will tell you to be upfront with them, but the truth is that majority of them cannot handle the truth. They would rather feel good, than to be given an honest word. If your current circle of friends doesn't receive truth well, it might be in your best interest to release them.
NEWS FLASH: AIN'T NOBODY BULLYIN JASMINE, PERIODT.
Listen, if folks cannot handle who you are becoming then they most certainly won't be able to handle who you will be. As my girl Marilyn Monroe once said, "I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." And that ladies and gentlemen is what I like to call, real talk.
It's sad that when you're saying and doing everything people expect of you, everything is cool. The minute you begin to think for yourself and take some time to decide who you are, not who they want you to be, things change. Everybody isn't this way, but a lot of people who were associated with me were, and they had to go!
The parting words of those who were once close to me have hurt me, and every now and then I can feel pings of anger when I dwell on them for too long. They may even be able to say the same about my words...if I am being honest.
However, I cannot worry what they will say to try and disparage my name, nor should I care. With so much light and victory ahead of me, why or earth would I stop to turn back to see the past and those stuck there?
I won't. Cheers, to moving forward.
FORWARD
My health was something that I took for granted. My foot injury coupled by COVID-19 pushed a long pause button on my fitness routine. I wasn't eating properly and I needed to make some changes to my diet. During the Thanksgiving holiday, I pleaded with God that if he healed me I would make those changes. It has been nearly three weeks since I've had meat (My husband also decided to do this with me, bless his heart!) and I feel great. I can't see me ever giving up fried chicken completely, but I will admit that working out and eating healthy has me feeling at my best; and I am in no rush to forfeit this feeling.
I am looking forward to the journey ahead, though I expect it will not be easy. Still, if God has brought me this far, he can surely take me even further...by faith.
